For Peter Glynn
The 2018 FIFA World Cup is now in full swing and, from Mozambique to Manchester, millions of grown men are regressing to a childlike state of collective euphoria, gathering round the TV with the same giddy urgency as a group of grammar-school boys wanking over a cookie. Not being the least bit interested in football (despite being a sports fan in general) I decided to look at some of the underlying social causes that might explain the hysteria surrounding “the beautiful game.” The principal finding of my rigorous five-minute investigation is that football is by nature a somewhat dreary sport and popular not in spite of the lack of skill and prowess required to play it, but because of them. -------------------------------------- The average man like myself - reasonably healthy, a bit sporty - would get eaten alive on a rugby pitch. But if for some reason, I was called up as an emergency replacement to play for England in the World Cup, I feel I could probably hold my own. Whether or not this is true (it is), is beside the point. The fact that we are able to watch a football match and say “Look, there, he’s wide open!” or “how the hell did he miss that? My grandma could have scored that!” – somehow brings us closer to the game. (Believing we could compete at a high level is perhaps not without some basis in logic, when you consider that football players spend on average under 10 minutes per game sprinting and around 1 hour standing or walking.) But the very act of complaining seems to be a reason why football – and perhaps sports in general – are so popular. Most middle aged, middle class men tend to repress their emotions and find, in sports, a culturally acceptable way to release them. As Nick Hornby observed in Fever Pitch “the natural state of the football fan is bitter disappointment, no matter what the score.” Two other possible reasons why football is so popular are the length of the game and the rarity of the goals. 90 minutes isn’t too long, like a cricket match is, and not too short, like some boxing matches are. And, as goals are relatively infrequent in football, when one is finally scored, the thrill seems doubly sweet. It is also easy to observe the skill in football – a long diving header, or a surge of pace with a step-over. Whereas in sports like snooker or motorbike racing the skill is subtler and appeals more to the intellect than the eye. Football also provides a community, an almost tribal mentality for otherwise disconnected men. The aggressive and territorial nature of a team’s fans taps directly into our primal instincts. Not only that, but football affords us a rare opportunity, by proxy, via my team, to win - whereas, in real life, all too often one loss just seems to pile up on top of the other. But that’s not the main reason why football is so popular. To understand the universal appeal, you only need to see the ease with which the game is played by poor kids whose only resources are a few sticks, a rolled up sock and a bit of imagination, discipline and joy. It is a cheap sport to play and one which can be copied from a very early age. But that’s not the main reason why football is so popular. If we think about some of the results from the current World Cup – unknown South Korea beating the mighty Germany, tiny Iceland drawing with Argentina – we see that football is a game of heart and determination over skill. The underdog always stands a chance. And who doesn’t love to see an underdog have his day? -------------------------------------- But that’s not the main reason why football is so popular! To get to the heart of the matter, we just need to consider the way groups of middle class men are brought together (as they were 30 years before in the school yard) via the pub / office / supermarket small-talk in the days following a big game: “Did you see the match?” That single question serves as a verbal membership card into a secret worldwide community, and opens the door to a flood of arbitrary, but far from useless, conversation. So football we see, is essentially a bonding mechanism. Perhaps the importance of the drama and gossip that proliferates from the game itself is the reason why diving has been allowed to go unchecked for so long: it gives people something else to complain and disagree about. It would be very easy to retroactively fine players for diving and eradiate the prima donna behaviour from the game. $20,000 and the public shame would surely be enough to make any man think twice. Then there are the teams themselves. The immortal teams. The religion of Our Team passed down from one generation to the next, from father to son, where indoctrination begins at an early age and never shall be questioned, but obeyed with all thy heart forever, until death do us part, Amen. Again, we see football is really just a bonding mechanism and the quality or excitement of the sport itself is of secondary importance. If we consider other sports, it’s not hard to find much more exciting alternatives: basketball, for the fast paced excitement; rugby, for the power and agility; MMA for all the physical attributes a sport should have – power, speed, concentration, skill, discipline – cranked upto 11, distilled down to the raw. Which brings us back to our original reason as to why football is so popular: it is an undemanding pedestrian sport. The goal players are aiming at is the size of a small house. In spite of this, even professional teams only get around a quarter of all shots on target. All you need to do to succeed on the football field is be in reasonable shape, pressure the ball, keep your head up, use both feet, be aware of your spacing, pass and move, pass and move, it's that simple. In a sport populated by joggers, the man who keeps on his toes in king. There is so little defensive pressure put on the ball in that players can idly pass the ball around the field at their leisure. Giving Kev, 38, from Luton, plenty of time between sips of Stella to turn to his mate, Danny - who’s shaking his head in slow agreement - and slur “my fucking grandma could do that.” it.
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AuthorEnglish teacher from the UK. Living in Granada. Currently working in Doha. Archives
February 2022
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